He had just
fallen asleep on his side, one leg of his crossed over one of hers, his arm
wrapped around her waist. She lay on her back, staring at the ceiling. She’d
been feeling sick the whole day and he had come to her house in the evening
with a bottle of wine to celebrate his results. He had topped his class and had
come second in the university; it definitely called for a celebration. These results
were the stepping stones to his successful future. She was worried about
another result, her result. Her parents were out of town and being alone in the
house was not helping. She was glad he was with her.
He had opened
the bottle of wine and brought two glasses. She refused. She said she did not
want to, when the truth was she could not. He was disappointed but he did not
force her. He was not the kind of man to
force his woman to do something she did not want to.
He had moved
closer to her on the couch they were sitting on and bent to kiss her on the mouth.
This she could handle; in fact this she wanted herself. A distraction from the
chain of thoughts. She kissed him back so passionately that he had moved away,
breathless and surprised. He had taken that as an invitation to proceed
further. He’d placed his hand on her waist and kissed her on the lips, moving
his hand under her shirt. Then he had taken her to bed. He took out a packet of
condom from his jeans and then took off his jeans. He had undressed her and then
made love to her. This was not the first time they had sex but each time when
they came together it was a new experience.
She looked at
him and slowly moved his hand away from her waist. She sat up straight in bed
and pulled out her leg from beneath his. He stirred in sleep and she sat still;
willing him to fall asleep again. When she was sure he was asleep, she climbed
out of bed and collecting her clothes walked to the bathroom. Before she got
dressed she took out a packet from the medicine cabinet. She avoided looking at
her naked body in the mirror as if not looking would change what had already
begun.
She pulled out
the stick for pregnancy test and sat on the commode. She followed the
instructions for the test and waited, desperately praying for the earlier
results to be false positive. She watched the control line appear in the first
window and then she doubled over as the second line appeared, yet again. She
moved her hand over her stomach and started to cry. They had always used protection
but apparently that had not been enough. She looked at the sticks kept on the sink.
Taking one more test did not make sense; also she was out of sample to test. She
used the flush, closed the lid and sat on the commode again.
They both had
gotten their results on the same day. He had been happy about his academic
results but she could not say the same about her biological one. It worried
her. She knew about his ambitions, his plans for the future and she did not
want to become a hurdle. She put on her clothes and walked out of the bathroom.
She picked up her mobile, tiptoed out of the bedroom and walked out of the
house. She threw the sticks into the garbage can and continued walking into the
silence of the night, hoping that the calmness of the night would calm her
frayed nerves. She took deep breaths as she walked and the deep breaths
turned into sobs. She sat down on the road under a tree and brought her knees
close to her chest. She looked at her mobile wondering whether it would be
appropriate to call her friend so late at night; finally she decided against
it. She rested her head against the trunk of the tree and closed her eyes.
After she had
calmed down a little; she got up and walked back home. He was still sleeping in
the same position she had left him in. She undressed and slid into bed next to
him. She watched him as he slept, his rhythmic breathing calming her further. She
loved him, she knew and he loved her, there was no doubt about that and she
knew if she told him, he would leave everything, risk his future and get
married to her. The question was – did she want to do this to him? The answer
was NO.
He shifted in
bed and she moved closer to him, resting her head against his chest as he
wrapped his arm around her yet again.
She was making
breakfast when he woke up. He kissed her neck and wished her good morning. As she
continued making breakfast he told her about the job offers he had got and
other possible opportunities.
She listened to
him, being happy in his happiness. He told her about the one job he was most
interested in; for that he would have to move out of town, he said. She nodded
and said that she was happy for him and he should take the job if it was what
he wanted but her eyes betrayed her.
“Hey! It’s okay.
It’s just a matter of couple of months, I will be back after the training and
when I finally move I will take you with me!” he said
“I am sorry, I
did not mean to cry. It’s just that…“, she did not want to finish off the
sentence. She wanted distraction. She rushed towards him and kissed him on the
lips.
She closed her
eyes as he whispered ‘I love you’ in her ears. I love you too, she said and
kissed him again, putting all her emotions and fears into the kiss.
Her friend
called her a fool when she told her friend about her decision. If her friend
was surprised to find out about the pregnancy, her decision of not telling him
about it was the biggest shock her friend got. Despite being unhappy about the
decision she had taken; her friend decided to support her.
While he
explored the new possibilities of his life; she went to the abortion clinic
with her friend. Everything was finalized, she was assigned a counsellor to
talk to, ask doubts if she had any and discuss her feelings and fears. She talked
to the counsellor about her dreams and his. She talked about her fears and
asked questions about the abortion. It had to be done, in no way could she
continue the pregnancy.
On the day of
the abortion, however, she finally could not go ahead with it. Her friend was
furious and left her alone at the clinic.
She returned
home alone, emotionally and physically exhausted. She inserted the key in the
lock but the door was opened before she could turn the key. Her parents were
home. They had come back earlier than expected. She ran into the arms of her
mother and started crying. Her mother held her tight against her chest and
tried to calm her down.
She desperately
wanted to involve her mother in the dilemma she found herself in; but could not
find words to express.
She excused
herself and walked to her room. She locked the door and started crying.
It was late
evening when she heard his voice outside the door. She had fallen asleep on the
floor. She stood up with the support of the bed and walked to the door. She opened
the door and saw his smiling face. The smile lifted her spirits; the sadness
vanished as the warmth of his smile engulfed her.
She saw her
parents standing behind him, they were smiling too. She looked back at him,
perplexed.
“I have been
accepted.” He said and she assumed he was talking about the job position he had
told her about; the one he wanted and the one for which he had to go out of town.
She smiled, trying her best to be happy for him.
“By them” he
said signaling with his chin towards her parents. She was confused.
“You are a mess.”
He said, running his fingers over her cheek. It felt so good to be touched by
him.
“I am sorry.” She
said, she did not want his happiness to be overshadowed by her sorrow.
“No, I am sorry.”
He said and continued, “Sorry for not being with you when you needed me the
most.”
“It hurts to
know that you think so less of me and do not trust me enough to share.” He
complained and she knew what he was talking about.
He knew about
the pregnancy. He said he had been accepted by her parents, which meant he had
asked for their permission to marry her.
“I am ambitious;
not selfish.” He said and moved closer to her and kissed her.
Return to Main Page
