Story 16

She had been walking aimlessly on the streets for a long time. She needed to calm herself down. Her shrink had told her that the rage she carried within her would destroy her someday. He had suggested a few techniques she should try to calm her nerves. Walking was one of those techniques. Others included taking out her rage in catching a criminal; going to a shooting range and shooting a target; talking to someone who would listen; taking deep breaths, listening to music, meditating and so on.

She thought about the choices she had starting with those that included more action. That was her thing. It was something she believed in. The work she did allowed her action and the work she did was the cause of rage in first place, according to her shrink. She hated being manipulated and that’s what had been happening lately in her department. She worked homicide and was one the best detectives on the team. Unfortunately, the internal politics and manipulation of justice bothered her. After putting in her best to catch the culprit; it was tough to see the culprit being let loose for one of the many reasons she found unethical. 

She trusted her instincts; when her instinct told her that someone was guilty, that person usually was. Most of the times she collected enough evidence to indict the criminal but sometimes she arrested someone based on instinct and kept him in holding until she succeeded gathering evidence or she tried to crack the culprit and made him confess. Her technique was not accepted by a few in the department and those colleagues often talked about her behind her back and a couple of times even reported her to higher authority. She did not care because she knew almost always she was right. When others thought she was not right were the times the culprit’s lawyer did the job to the best of his capability and the culprit had to be exonerated. That person always continued being a criminal for her. She had a separate drawer in her desk dedicated to such cases. She never gave up on them. She continued investigating them on her personal time.

They had found one of the closed files lying on the top of her desk. She had needed some inside information and had used her authority to get it. Since she was not currently working on any open case she considered it to be her personal time. She had just gotten up to get herself a cup of coffee when one of the jealous colleagues had approached her desk and picked up the file of the case which was officially closed and showed it to their boss. 
When she returned to her desk she was called in the office and her boss had questioned her and then yelled at her regarding the closed case she was privately dealing. Her boss warned her that if she did not stop doing what she was doing she would be suspended.

After walking out of the office, she had stormed out of the department and continued walking past the security and onto the street. She took random lefts and rights and continued walking. It was late afternoon, the heat had turned from being unbearable to bearable but it was still not pleasant. Very soon, her shirt was soaked with sweat. Walking was not helping. She thought about going to the shooting range but decided against it. She believed it would infuriate her further and she did not want to do anything she would have to regret later. Deep breaths was the first thing she had tried. Listening to music and meditation was not her thing. 
Talk to someone who would listen – she thought. Sadly, apart from her shrink there was no one who really listened. Well, apart from ‘him’.

There was one more technique she tried on her own without sharing the concept with the shrink, of course. She knew he would not approve. Well! It helped her and that was what mattered. She tried bringing out her rage by doing something to someone in bed. Being on top, straddling someone gave her the sense of control. She had the therapy sex with a different guy each time. There were guys who wanted a second time, guys who wanted to spend time with her, take her on a date but she was not interested. 
She convinced herself that implementing that technique today was not a good idea. She did not want to strangle the guy in bed while having raging hard-core sex.

There was only one option left. Talking to him – the ‘him’ being her ex. 
He was the only person who listened when she talked. He was the only person who cared. He was the only person who understood her. He was the only person whose accusations did not irk her. He was the only person she believed when he told her that she was wrong.
Then why was he her ‘ex’; for one simple reason – she believed that he deserved better. 
She had left him because she could not love him the way he loved her. Wrong decision, she realized later. But it was too late for her to accept it. She was too proud to admit that walking out on him for his good was actually bad for her. 
He always gave an impression that he was happy without her. He even dated a few women after the divorce. ‘I am not going to ask him to take me back.” she convinced herself.

She was thankful that he at least extended the courtesy of listening to her vent. She tried to remember whether he was supposed to be on one of his dates. Since she was not able to think clearly; she decided to take the chance without considering what effect it would have on her IF he said that he was ‘busy’ and would not be able to meet her.
She removed her mobile from her trousers pocket and called him. He was on her speed dial. The call went straight to voicemail. She did not leave a message. The rage came down automatically; unfortunately it transformed into something much more harmful. She became depressed. She stopped walking and tried to get her bearings. Where was she? Finally she figured it out and then found her way to the nearby park. 

She sat on the bench at the farthest corner in the park. She looked around – trying to find out something that would alleviate her mood. She had never discussed the depression with her shrink. So, there were no different techniques to deal with it. She covered her face with her hands and closed her eyes trying to visualise the happy times she had when she was with him. He always made her smile, no matter what. 
Her thoughts ended abruptly when her mobile sprang to life. 
“Hey! Where are you?” he asked.
“In a park.” She responded. 
The usual questions by anyone would have been - Hi. How are you?  Or Hi. What’s wrong?  But he already knew answers to those questions so he directly asked her where she was. He always asked her where she was and then he told her that he is coming to get her. If she was close-by he asked her to come to his house.

“Which park?” he asked.
“The one opposite to your house.” She replied. She had not meant to come here but involuntarily she had. 
“I understand if you are busy. I did not plan on coming here. I did not even realize I had reached here.” She said.
“One – I am not busy and Two – I understand.” He said. “Come over” he added. “I will make some coffee.” He said and disconnected the call. 
She got up from the bench and walked out of the park. She crossed the street and walked towards his house. There he was, standing at the door waiting for her. She fell in love with him all over again. The rage was gone already; the depression also taken care of. What she now felt was something different. It was weird. She could not describe it.

She walked inside the house and he closed the door. When she sat on the couch he went to the kitchen and brought two cups of coffee. He handed her one and sipped coffee from his cup. He sat next to her. Close but not too close. He never asked her what she wanted to talk about. He did not want to point out to her that he realized she came to him when she wanted someone to listen to. He watched her closely as she sipped coffee from her cup. She smiled. He always made the coffee the way she liked it. Even now.

She looked around the house, trying to search for a woman’s touch. From what she saw it looked like it did when she had walked out the door. It was still her ex-husband’s house.
Suddenly she did not want to talk about her problem. She did not need to get rid of the rage. Her shrink had pinpointed her rage to the injustice within the justice department – according to him it was work related. To some extent it was, but the main reason for the rage was something totally different. She regretted denying love. She needed him to stay sane, he was her anchor.

She could not blame the shrink for not being able to figure out; she had not told him about this part just like she had not mentioned the depression.

She realized he was still staring at her. The kind look in his eyes helped her make up her mind and she was suddenly sure if anything was going to help her get rid of the rage at all, it was this one thing. And, it was in the hands of her ex, whom she had left saying that it was for his own good. She was not sure how he would react if she told him about the guys she had therapy sex with.
Finally making up her mind she told him about it. And then she said –

“I want to come back; if you will still have me.”

He continued staring at her and did not respond; at least not in words. He moved closer to her and kissed her on the mouth. A moment later he whispered in her ear -

“I will have you, no matter what. I will have no one but you.”

She pulled his face back towards her mouth and kissed him, urgently pushing her tongue inside his mouth. She wanted him, she needed him; she wanted him to take her. She pushed her hands under his t-shirt and pulled it over his head and then unbuttoned her own shirt and yanked it off along with her bra. He was calm and patient, understanding her need for control. She unbuttoned his jeans and he let her take them off along with his boxer shorts. After stepping out of her own trousers and panties, she ran her hands over his body, feeling the warmth on her palms. She stared at him and he stood still, not denying her the pleasure.

She moved closer and moved her hand over his length, he was ready for her. He eased on the couch, giving her access to straddle him, instead she knelt down on the floor close to him and kissed him and then pulled him over her as she lay on her back on the floor and let him be on top of her. She closed her eyes as he entered her. It was time, she decided, to let go of the control for a change. 

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silent whispers

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